it's 1:36 in the morning. i just got back from my bachlor party. ity was fun. i never thought that jish could kick so much ass at unreal tourement 2004. he eat our sopuls for dinner. it was great.
we did the game pest thing. then we went for dinner. i had a 20 dollar steak. i finished it. with help from jake. it was the bread that wayed me down. i had two of those garlic breads. to taske the edge off.
i was starving.
it's odd. sitting here all alone. writting this. cause tomorrow i will be married. i wanted to get married qwuick. no real service no real money spent. almost like i was fooling myself into a faulse sence of reality.
we're married. like children playing pretend. at any point it could all be gone and there would be no real lose. vegas. no parents just her and i. living the adventure. i have too many of those.
i love mel she is nice too me. but she get mad easy. i have a hard time dealing with her emotional side. and i be the more she reads this the more annoyed she gets.
but it's my site to talk on so skrew it.
like i said. she makes me happy. but her mood swings are nuts. we have been together for less then a year.
and we are already geting married. then again we are living together.
did i mention it's realy early.
and i have no idea why people hate me. i can't understand why mikey dislikes me. he goes from looking so happy to i don't want to talk to you. in 1 second flat.
he was such a good friend. but emotion. he has too much. and seems to base his opinion on how he feels then thinking about it.
same with kung fu james. i liked chating with him. but i guess i went too far. i was losing it for a while and these where the casualties.
mandy too. i wonder what part of my friendship she hated me for. maybe we got to close and she wanted way more then i was offering..... maybe i pulled away.
she hates me cuase she can't deal with the fact that i changed and she didn't.
i look at her and i see trauma that goes realy deep. but not from what happened to her. it's not dericks fault. she blames everything on that.
she is looking for attention. she talks to everyone about what happened too her. but last i check when something bad happens to you you bottle it up. you don't brag about it.
i think she wants attention so much she makes things worste then they are and plays the oh poor me role.
she blamed me for porn sent to her e-mail. tony her father told me this. never have i lied about anything i have ever done. and when tony asked me to stop doing that i laughed at him.
i told him that if i was going to do something to mandy i would have logged onto her computer and took her books she is writing and published them on the net then changed there computer passwords.
never did that. don't have the tools or skill to do that.
why would i ssend mandy porn. she likes that stuff!!
he told me to leave the trucks alone. i am a co book villian her to ruin his life with slow moving devices. captian asshole from the planet uranus.... here to stink things up.
i didn't send porn to mandies e-mail. if there was porn there, she was already geting it for years. or sent it to her self. cuase she wanted to play the poor me role. look daddy what he did. pay attention to me daddy.
he dad works 100 hours a week. he mother lives her job. the girl's life is devoid of attention for her parents. she told me many a times that she hates her father and that todd is turning into her father. and that she thinks he is a jerk.
i personaly like todd. and tony for that matter.
she told her dad that i said he drinks his milk with kolua. but the truth of the matter is she said that at the party that i blabed more then i should have.
if you ever read this tony. i'm sorry i said what i said. it wasn't me bashing you. i said
"i wouldn't work tomorrow even if tony offered to suck me off"
not
"tony need to suck his guys off to get them to show up"
similar but not the same. why his duaghter didn't say "ok this is too much." is beyond me.
instead she joined in. then lied to her father. i guess thats a good way to get attention.
it bothers me.. muchly like mikie. muchly like james.
i honestly tried too hard with james. if i just ignored him and did my thing everything would have been fine.
i hope they doo well in there lifes. those people from top brass.
i hope ron does well with his kids.
i hope james eventualy gets the money he needs to open his very own do-jo
i hope stevie gets ritch quick and gets everything he ever dreamed of. i don't know what he wants in life..... but i wish the best for him.
i hope kevin lives a happy easy life. no fights at his place. he was a good guy, we had our differences.... and arguments. but i still liked him.
ellen should get a secretary. spend some ellen time. i loved seeing her smile. she probably wouldn't smile at he if she saw me. funny how that makes me sad.
if i walked up to tony i bout he would talk to me. he would treat me like a strange. the whole family would.
i just wanted to be treated fair. thats all.
if i was such a bad mover. why didn't they fire me 6 moths before they did. tell me "sorry justin your a bad mover. start looking for a new job you have two weeks"
that would have been fair. i would have understood.
this has turned into a rant about top brass. i'm sorry.
tomorrow. i hope it doesn't rain. i want it to go smooth.
people ask me if i'm excited. i say not realy. there asking the wrong question.
"are you so stressed you don't know what to do?" yes... yes i am. i can't sleep. i tried.
i had jer come in. i had a drink we played a few games of chess. he won twice i one once. it was fun. i miss him being around.
i want to burry myself in comic an anime. ignore the world. i wish i was just traveling around with a endless bank account. just live my life. no worries.
i want kids. i want lots of kids. mel want 2. maybe three. i want 15. i want to become a good little jehovah witness. i want a good job. with lots og money. i want to make movies..... i want people to like my movies. to think there funny. well written. well thought out. where did you come up with an ending like that??
thats all me baby.
i love my scripts. i think that given time and good filming you might like the movies they become.
i wonder what kay thinks of all this. i miss her. i realy miss her just being there. i think what atracted me to her was the fact that she liked me. i could see myself threw her. and she saw something wonderful. she seemed to think i was great. i liked that.
now when i see her and she looks at me. all i see is disapointment.
i get that from every one thou. no one aproves me. every one thinks i'm going too fast.
kay watched movies with me. told me what she thought of my stuff. and listened to me bitch about my life. i told her way too much. not half what i told mel. but still alot.
i'm not a giving person. i don't know why. i'm just not. have have a hard time giving things to people. i founnd it weird when i bought mel a 145$ corset.
i buy her lots of things.
i want to be out of debt. i want to pay off the fridge and stove and table. done. gone. i want my credit card bill to be payed off.
i want a house in 5 years.a beautiful 5 bedroom house. with a basement and second floor.
i want every body to just show up and visit. talk to me and just be friends.
i wish mel didn't get mad and leave. i wish she understood me.
it's funny. tanya called me a machine. kay wrote a thing on her site about it too.
i get hurt. i pass it off. and move forward and don't care. i get betrayed. and i let it go. i do my best not to show my emotions.
5 years of high school i smiled every day. and every one thought i was fine. grade nine i hated and want to forget (8 was even worste). grade nine i was going to bring a gun to school. and kill people. room to room.
grade ten my parents started to have real problems. but i started dating michell. so i had some one to talk to... at least a bit.
grade eleven and 12 i was with jess. that was fun. my parents went to hell. there relationship gone. i felt responsible for bubba. jake did his own thing.
i don't remember everything. i know that jess and i broke up. mutualy.
and that bothered me. i became an ass. mel stuck with me. and i ended up hooking up with her.
i'm lucky she stuck with me.
i hope she likes the ring i got her. i think it's prety.
i want to write here a beautiful story. that she fals in love with.
i want to be a good person for her. i want to be strong. smart. well thought out and impressive.
i want her to think i'm cool. and not be embarassed by me.
i want her to accept me as me. just that guy who is there looking to have a good time.
i want her to forget all the movies i saw without her.
and i want her to know that i think she is beautiful. and i love it when her hair is down.
i want her to love me for me.
imperfect, clumbsy, smiley. and way over thought out.
i'm no where near as smart as every one thinks i am. i wish people would stop says "wow, your smart" cause i'm not. i'm a freaking idiot. who doesn't understand anything thats going on.
i think all those teacher where being nice. trying to make me think i was smart so i would try harder.
i think i tried to use to many big words.
i wish people would stop doing drugs.
EVERY ONE DOES NOT DO IT!!!
I DON'T DO IT!!
i honestly pray to jehovah every day to help guide me. to help me make the right choice. i know i am flawed. and i need help.
some times i think that if things had been the slightest bit different i could have turned out like jeffery dahmer. or some other crazt serial killer.
some times i get these i dea's of killing and raping people. almost like they are good idea's.
then i shake them off.
thats not what normal people do, i tell myself.
they bother me.
some times my dreams are so messed up.
some times i like them.
and that worries me.
why do i think these things.
i just want to be normal. and not be looked at like i'm a weirdo.
every one likes jish. i see him as my compleate opposite ying to my yang. yet i see us as being very simmilar.
like we walked the same path as children. and with a little nudge i could be him or him i.
i don't want him to go thought the mental trauma i did. i know he had his own moments.
depression. it blows.
what to do when you think it all doesn't matter.
i cut myself.
wish i happenen't, i wish i was stronger.
i'm cold. i think i will go to bed now. thanks for listening to my problems
Till we meet again, i remain,
Justin Mayhew